Home
by keru.m
Summary: Thoroughly AU. After switching designators back to JAG, Harm is posted to San Diego before his return to Falls Church. Much has changed. Some things never do. 4 parts.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own'em

A/N: Not meant to be deep, so don't read deep. I just needed to write as a form of stress relief, so this is me going out on a lark, having a bit of fun, and wading knee-deep into AU waters. You will have to suspend a lot of disbelief for the original setup, and I just arbitrarily extracted a lot of complicatedness from the situation and discarded it. Now that you know, you can decide if you want to read on or not. And, of course, this isn't some grand deviation away from H/M pairing. I wouldn't do that. I even divided the chapters in a way that minimized the already minimal angst.

--

**Home 1/4  
**

Harm walked into the bullpen. Back after two years away. He grinned at the sight of the hustle and bustle of late morning. It felt so damn good to be back. A quick stop by Mac's office before reporting to the admiral couldn't hurt. He knew she was still here – he always knew where she was, he grinned, feeling an arrogance that had been a stranger these past months.

He stopped by her office and was poised to knock when his eyes fell on his once best friend. He hadn't seen her in just over two years, and now there she was, sitting at her desk, head bent over a file. It was like he'd never left. Her hair was slightly longer, and there was something different about her ... He'd forgotten how beautiful she was. That realization saddened him, even as the familiar sight of her had him smiling.

He lifted his hand to knock, when he heard Harriet's enthusiastic call.

"Commander!"

Mac's head shot up, just as Harm turned to greet Harriet.

"Harriet. It's so great to see you!"

"You too, Sir!" Harriet was grinning widely. "Bud will be so disappointed he missed you; he's at Norfolk conducting interviews."

"I'm sorry I missed him, Harriet. How's AJ?"

"I told him you were back in DC, and he's ecstatic to see you." Harriet's enthusiasm was bubbling over, rushing into her words. "Would you be able to come by sometime this weekend? You must be busy unpacking and settling in, but even a few minutes—"

Harm laughed. It was good to be back. "Harriet! Take a breath. I'd be glad to. It'll give me a chance to see Bud before Monday as well. Name a time."

Before Harriet could answer, Harm heard her voice, a voice he sometimes worried he'd never hear again.

"Harm."

He turned at the sound of Mac saying his name. She was standing in her doorway, looking up at him, smiling a warm smile ... He was helpless to do anything but respond in kind. It had been so long since he'd heard that voice. His heart expanded, overcome by a sudden sensation of ... of ... hell, he didn't know what to call it. But if felt so damn good.

"Hey, Mac." His grin widened at saying her name. There was definitely something different about her. She looked more ... settled; reminding him somehow of the rustle of autumn leaves drifting on cool grass. Although he thought he could see a sadness lurking deep in her eyes. He wondered what had happened these past two years.

"Ma'am." Harriet's voice broke their silent exchange. They both turned to look at her. "I was just telling the Commander to come by tomorrow afternoon. We can make a barbeque out of it. You have to come as well; AJ's been asking after Jacob; he wants to show him his new swing set."

Jacob? Harm's ears perked up at the mention of that name. The rest of him was put on guard when he noticed how Mac's face transformed at the mention of this stranger's name. Her eyes lit up, the sadness all of but gone, and the smile she'd been directing at Harm magnified tenfold.

So this Jacob was the reason Mac seemed so ... content. That was the word. Content.

The word registered with a pang of regret in the centre of his heart, and thoughts of opportunities lost and the road not taken shuffled through his mind's eye. Although he couldn't understand why he should be disappointed. He'd loved his time flying, and if he hadn't been grounded he would've happily spent his career in a cockpit. Going back a second time was great while it lasted, but even he had to face that he'd be capping his career by not changing his designator back to JAG. If only he'd been reassigned to HQ, instead of having to spend the last 18 months in San Diego. It had been a terrible 18 months, even though he had spent some of that time reconnecting with his mother – she wouldn't have let it be otherwise.

It just wasn't what he wanted. He hadn't been flying and he was no longer at JAG HQ. And he'd been constantly shadowed by the feeling that something else was missing. Sometimes – ever since he'd found his father's resting place, really, or maybe even before that – he wondered if there would always be a missing piece, if he'd always be searching for it. At least he'd finally gotten sent back to Falls Church. There was comfort in that, even though he was again wishing things had been different.

And looking at Mac, at how her eyes sparkled and her smile shone, he couldn't stop the feeling from intensifying; that empty part of him gaping even deeper, darker. Nostalgia, he told himself. He'd chalk it up to nostalgia. After all, he had been dating another woman before he left to fly. It wasn't as though there was anything between him and Mac, that he could regret its disappearance.

"Harm," Mac was saying, bringing his attention back to reality. "You'll get to meet Jacob!" She was very excited, almost in perfect measure to how weary Harm suddenly felt. He didn't want to have to meet the man who made Mac so happy. "You'll love him."

He wasn't so sure, and he was about to say so when Harriet cut in.

"So, Sir: You'll come tomorrow? Around 1300?" She asked.

"Count on it." He turned to her and smiled, the prospect of seeing little AJ again definitely heartening. All else aside.

"That's wonderful. If you'll excuse me, Sir," She gave him a guilty smile, "I put a General on hold for you."

"Of course." Harm grinned.

Harm turned to Mac, but before he could say anything she led him into her office, then turned and looked at him, studying his face.

"You look good, Harm."

God, so did she. He hadn't even realized how much he'd missed her. Just being in the same room with her was doing good things for him.

"So do you. The years have been good to you."

She gave a deprecating smile. "Not that good."

He frowned, unsure what that meant, but before he could ask she stepped up to him.

"How about a hug for an old friend?"

He was sure his face would split in two from the force of his grin. He held out his arms for her, "Right here."

She laughed, and slipped into his embrace, her arms around his waist. He closed his eyes and held her, relishing how it felt to feel her against him once again. Yes, it was good to be back.

She pulled back. "You start on Monday?"

He nodded. He was about to ask who Jacob was – he couldn't help but notice that she wasn't wearing any kind of ring, wedding or engagement, on her left hand – when Mac's phone rang.

She stepped out of his arms with an apologetic look, and answered the phone.

"MacKenzie."

"Sir. Yes, Sir." She nodded into the receiver. "I'll tell him."

She hung up. "Admiral says to save the greetings for after your meeting with him."

He laughed. Some things didn't change.

"I'll find you when I'm done." He said, turning to leave her office.

She nodded, a soft smile lingering in her eyes.

--

_The next day_

He hadn't had a chance to see her after his meeting with the admiral, since she'd been in court by the time he was done with his once-again CO. But he was here now, at Bud and Harriet's, about to see her again and be introduced to Jacob. He was very curious about who this man was. He knocked on the front door, with a gift for AJ tucked under his arm.

The door opened, and there stood Mac looking so pretty in a white sundress printed with red flowers. He grinned.

"Hey." He couldn't help it when his hand reached out, his fingers tugging on a long lock of hair. "This looks good on you."

She laughed, swatting his hand away in teasing, and moved aside to let him in. "Everyone's out back." A stunning grin overran her features as she grabbed his wrist. "Come meet Jacob."

She led him to the backyard, with Harm telling himself the entire way to be civil. Whoever Jacob was, he made Mac happy, even though the thought upset Harm more than he thought it could.

"I didn't have a chance to tell you yesterday," Mac was saying, and Harm made himself pay attention to her as they stepped onto the deck. "But a lot happened in the last two years." She took a deep. "I ... well ..."

Instinctively, he didn't like where this was going.

She stopped at the bottom of the deck stairs, and searched his face intently. "Harm—"

"Mama!" A high pitched squeal came in the form of a toddler – a boy if his clothes were anything to go by – speedily crawling his way over to Mac with a dandelion in his hand.

Mac turned, laughing at the sight of the boy. "Is that for me?"

Harm could only stare. What the hell was happening here. That was Mac's kid? He was convinced he'd misheard or misunderstood what was going on, but when the boy broke into a grin at the sound of Mac's laughter, all Harm could see in the boy's shining eyes and sparkling smile was Mac. He was an exact replica.

Mac had a son. With another man.

"Jay!" The boy yelped. He pushed himself up to standing position, but excitement made him unsteady on his feet, and he promptly fell back onto the grass.

Harm could not even begin to process this. Not only did she have some guy named Jacob making her smile like he'd handed her the stars on a silver platter, but she and Jacob had a kid?

Mac crouched down to the boy's level. "Did AJ help you pick that out?"

"Jay! Mama!" The boy babbled, his words not able to keep up with his excitement. Mac took the dandelion, kissed the boy on the nose, and scooped him into her arms as she stood up.

Harm thought his brain may just have shut down. He also knew he should re-engage his brain and quick, or he'd make a fool of himself.

"Jacob," Mac said to the little boy. "This is Uncle Harm," She pointed to Harm. "He's mommy's friend. Want to say hi?"

The toddler glanced at Harm from the corner of his eye, then covertly up at Mac. He made a big show of being engrossed with the necklace Mac was wearing, trying very hard not to look at Harm.

Harm grinned, his initial surprise fading at the sight of the boy – Jacob – sitting comfortably in Mac's embrace. That was one adorable kid. He wondered if Mac had also had wavy, unruly hair as a kid. Or was that from the father.

"Jacob," Mac cajoled, grinning herself. She tweaked the boy's nose. "Are you being funny?"

Jacob was trying very hard not to smile. Harm found himself laughing at the kid's efforts, which made Jacob giggle though he still didn't look away from Mac's necklace.

"You know, Jacob." Mac said, like she was sharing a big secret. "Uncle Harm makes the best pasketti Mommy has ever tasted."

That seemed to do the trick. Jacob's eyes flew to Mac's. He giggled excitedly and clapped his hands. "Ketti!"

Harm watched mesmerized by how naturally Mac was interacting with the kid. Something stirred inside him, but he couldn't understand it. And he was hell bent on ignoring it; it was always easier to ignore it.

"First say hello to Uncle Harm." Mac instructed.

"Ketti!" Jacob clapped and launched himself at Harm.

Harm's arms shot out just as Jacob leapt into him and. Dropping AJ's gaily wrapped gift, he awkwardly held the child just under his armpits, letting him dangle in front of him.

Mac laughed. "It's better if you hold him like this." She placed Harm's arm under Jacob's bottom, the other around his back.

"Ketti!" Jacob repeated to Harm, having no qualms about being handled by his mother and an apparent stranger.

Harm frowned, confused as to what pasketti was.

"Spaghetti," Mac explained, apparently still able to read his thoughts.

Harm couldn't help himself at just how excited Jacob was. "He definitely has your love of food, Mac." He observed, amused.

Mac rolled her eyes, but she was laughing.

"I guess you want me to cook you dinner, huh buddy?" Harm turned his attention back to the toddler.

Jacob grinned up at Harm, his tiny body happily bouncing away. Harm smiled back, more than a little taken in by this little boy who looked just like his mother. Mother. Harm studied the boy, wondering who his father was.

He looked at Mac, about to ask her that very question, but there was something in the way Mac was smiling at him and Jacob that made the question die on his tongue. Instead, he grinned at her.

"He's beautiful."

Mac nodded, pride shining through every part her. "He's amazing," She agreed.

They shared a smile, until Harm heard his own name being squealed out, and felt a three year old slam into his legs.

"Uncle Harm! Did you fly planes? And go to the beach! Daddy says you did!" AJ's eyes caught the bright gift lying by Harm's feet. "What's that?"

Mac took Jacob from Harm, so he could bend down to reacquaint himself with his godson.

--

They were leaning against the deck, watching AJ and Jacob as they played with the new swing set, the rest of the guests raucously mingling in the yard.

Harm hadn't seen any guy hanging around Mac, no one in attendance whom Jacob had called daddy. He didn't quite know how to broach the topic, but he was dying of curiosity.

"Your son is amazing." He said, genuinely meaning it. The boy was adorable, had personality and a sense of humour, and was greatly entertaining. He also kept Mac on her toes, which was quite an accomplishment in Harm's book.

"Thank you." She watched Jacob as he followed AJ around the slide. "I guess you want to hear the story."

"Only if you want to tell it." Please, please, he silently begged. Curiosity was eating away at him.

"You remember Mic Brumby?"

"Yeah." Harm didn't like where this was going.

"We were engaged to be married when I got pregnant with Jacob." There was a sadness in her voice.

Harm definitely didn't like this story. He turned on the railing to give his full attention to Mac, even though he was silently cursing his last 18 months in San Diego. The look in her eyes was troubling, however, and it made him withhold judgment.

"I didn't want to walk down the aisle in maternity wear, and I didn't want to rush it either, so I told Mic I'd only marry him after Jacob was born." She smiled then, soft and sweet. "He would do just about anything for me, so he agreed." She laughed, sadness skirting the edges of the lilt in her voice. "It was a wonderful time. We agreed that when Jacob was six months – that was when I was sure I'd fit into the dress I had my heart set on – we'd get married." She stared at her hands, where they rested on the railing. "When Jake was just over two months old, a diplomat's son had too much to drink and went for a joyride in a Hummer, of all things, and drove right into the driver's side of Mic's car. Mic died at the hospital." She swallowed heavily, blinked back the tears in her eyes.

Harm could only stare, shocked. He hadn't known any of this. Why hadn't anyone told him?

"I'm sorry, Mac. I didn't know." He should've kept in touch. She had to go through that alone. Why hadn't anyone tracked him down?

She shrugged, dismissing his apology as unnecessary with that one gesture. "It was – is – hard, but Harriet and Bud and the admiral were amazing. They are so supportive." She glanced at him from the corner of her eye much as Jacob had done earlier, looking slightly shy, slightly tentative. "I missed you. I really wanted to just ... talk to you. See you."

He was surprised by her honesty.

"I didn't know," He repeated, feeling wholly inadequate.

"How could you." She studied his face, her hands tightening their hold on the wooden railing. "We were pretty bad at keeping in touch."

He wanted to give her the hug she so desperately looked like she needed.

"But it's so great to see you now, Harm." She grinned, her sadness dissipating somewhat, though not retreating. "We have a lot to catch up on. You know about my life; you need to fill me in on yours."

He was about to give in to his need to hug her, when AJ called out from the swing set.

"Aunt Mac! Look!" He called from the top of the slide. He was perched on the precipice, with Jacob between his legs. "Jake's going to slide like a big boy! But he's littler than me!"

Jacob for his part was squirming with delight, trying to get out of AJ's grip so he could start sliding.

"Crap. How the hell did he get up there." Mac muttered, rushing towards the two boys. She added more loudly. "Wait, AJ! Let me come closer, I'm too far away here, I can't see properly." She looked for all the world like she was working very hard to resist the urge to vault over the banister, and forcing herself to use the stairs instead.

Harm laughed at her lightening quick reaction, thoroughly enjoying how mischievous and unconcerned for his personal safety Jacob was.

"Okay, Aunt Mac! Wait, Jake." AJ berated the little boy who was squirming madly in his grasp.

Mac stopped at the foot of the slide. "Alright AJ, Jake. Show me."

AJ let the boy go, and quickly followed after. Jacob slid down the slide until he reached Mac's waiting arms. She quickly caught him, and threw him up once in the air, much to Jacob and AJ's delight.

"Wow, you two! That was amazing!" She congratulated them.

The boys laughed excitedly, AJ jumping up and down at Mac's feet.

Harm smiled at the scene, feeling a strange warmth in his gut, a tingle of anticipation in the tips of his fingers. He couldn't explain it.

--

The afternoon had ended much too soon for Harm's liking. He didn't want to have to wait a day to see Mac again at work, and god knows how long to see little Jacob. He walked them out of the house, and to Mac's car.

"Drive safe, Mac."

She smiled at his concern. "I will. Don't worry."

Harm turned his attention to the boy sitting impatiently in the car seat.

"Bye, Jacob." He tickled his chin.

Jacob grinned up at Harm, reaching his arms towards him and babbling incomprehensibly.

"He likes you," Mac translated.

Now he really didn't want to wait however long to see the little guy again.

"If your mommy says it's okay, do you want to come to my house for dinner tomorrow night, buddy? I can make you pasketti?"

Jacob squealed in delight, "Ketti!"

Harm laughed, and turned to Mac. "What do you say? Want to come over for a bowl of pasta?"

She looked apologetic. "I'd love to, but he has to be in bed at 1930, or he'll just be a handful of trouble on Monday morning."

He was more disappointed than he thought he'd be. He tried to find a loophole.

"No worries. How about I come over to your place at 1700, and cook for you two?" He put in his best attempt at swaying her, having been out of practice for the past two years. "Come on, Mac. We haven't seen each other in two years."

One look at Jacob's smiling face had her relenting. "Alright." She then turned a teasing smile on Harm. "Are you still always late?"

"Five minutes do not make me late." He protested. "Everyone knows there's a ten minute grace period."

She rolled her eyes. "I'll take that as a yes."

--

_The following evening_

Harm waited, arms filled with groceries, for Mac to open the door. He'd made a point of showing up exactly five minutes past five.

"Harm!" She said, sounding harried when she swung the door open. The front of her shirt was wet, and she holding a very sweet smelling Jacob in her arms. "I'm running a bit late—"

"Aya!" Jacob squealed at the sight of Harm.

"Wow," Mac marveled, stopping in mid-sentence and looking at Jacob. "I guess he remembers you from yesterday. He must really like you."

Jacob babbled excitedly, clapping his hands. Harm thought he could read the signs based on yesterday's experience, so he quickly set the groceries down, managing to do so just in time for Jacob to launch himself towards him. Apparently, the kid liked to fly.

"Hey there, Jake. I think I see a pilot in the making." He adjusted the boy in his arms, wondering how old Jake would have to be before Mac would let him go up for a ride in Sarah. He then remembered what Mac had just said, and looked at her. "Wait, did you say you were running late?" He couldn't quite believe so much would change in just a couple of years. "Doesn't that violate one of the laws of the universe?"

She ignored him, as she'd tended to do when he teased her about her sense of timing and it felt just like old times.

"Jake was being stubborn about taking a bath." She indicated her wet shirt. "I'm going to change. Could you keep an eye on him?" She headed to her room without waiting for an answer.

Harm laughed. The kid kept her on her toes and could make her run late. This was just too much fun. He looked from Mac's retreating to form to Jacob's expectant face. "Looks like it's you and me, kiddo."

Jacob giggled, and Harm kissed the top of his downy head, surprised by how naturally his affection for the toddler came. He wondered if it had to do with how much of Mac he saw in the little boy.

Ten minutes later, Mac emerged from her bedroom in fresh clothes and her hair shining smooth. Harm looked up at her from his prone position on the floor, enjoying how pretty she looked.

His silent admiration was interrupted by tiny hands grabbing his ears. Jacob had crawled on top Harm, and started to sing an incoherent song.

"This little guy has been trained by a SEAL." Harm said with some difficulty, as Jacob bounced on top of his chest. "He took me down in one move."

Mac winked at Jacob, "The admiral has taken a great liking to horsing around with Jake. Isn't that right, kid?"

Jake looked at his mother, garbling what he no doubt thought was a very sensible response.

Mac and Harm both laughed, and Harm proceeded to tickle the boy, delighting in the responding squeals. He hadn't had this much fun in a while.

"Harm," Mac said, a smile on her face as one of Jacob's tiny feet narrowly missed kicking Harm in the chin. "You need to start cooking or dinner will never be ready on time."

"Oh, right." Harm said sheepishly. He stood up, bringing Jake with him. "What do you say, big guy? Want to help me cook spaghetti?"

"Ketti!" Jacob answered.

"He's very excited." Mac explained as she picked up the grocery bags. "It's his favourite food."

--

Jake was settled in his high chair as Harm stirred his homemade marinara sauce and Mac sliced a crisp baguette Harm had brought with him.

"That smells yummy, doesn't it Jacob?"

Jacob looked up from the blocks he was playing with, and answered Mac with an incoherent string of syllables. She grinned in response, before turning to Harm.

"I've dreamt about your sauce, Harm." She told him. "I actually craved the stuff when I was pregnant. There's this gourmet brand sold at a store 12 miles from here that came the closest." She laughed. "Mic ended up buying an entire crate from them so I'd stop sending him out at random hours."

Harm's culinary arrogance went up several notches at the praise – she'd craved his cooking. "I made some extra, so you can freeze it for Jacob to eat later." He informed her.

She didn't respond, so he turned to look at her. He found her staring at him with a look of wonder.

"What?" He asked, unsure as to why her eyes held so much emotion.

She shook her head quickly. "Nothing. It's just ... Thank you."

He found a smile for her, though he was busy building up a fair idea of how hard the past year at least had to have been for her, that a normal act of kindness from him had her speechless. In his mind, his friendship with Mac was one of those he knew he'd be able to count on decades down the road, through time and distance. She, perhaps, had not felt the same.

He stepped up to her, wooden spoon in hand, "Want to taste?"

She smiled, her eyes lit up at the offer. She tasted the sauce from the spoon he was holding, and he watched her eyes fall shut, a look of pleasure transforming her face.

"Wow." She sighed. "That tastes exactly as I remember it, except better."

Harm chuckled, pleased. Before he could return to the stove, Mac took some sauce on her finger and offered it to Jacob.

"Want some of Uncle Harm's sauce, Jake?"

Harm watched with bated breath as Jacob tasted the sauce. To his great amusement, the boy bounced excitedly in his chair in approval.

"You like the sauce?" She emphasized the last word. Harm spooned an extra-generous amount of sauce into Jake's bowl with some pasta. If the kid liked marinara sauce, who was he to deny him?

"Tauce!" Jacob answered.

"A definite winner," Mac informed Harm, and Harm silently vowed to make this dish weekly for Jacob. He blew on the sauce in Jacob's bowl to cool it down.

"It's good, huh, baby?" She tapped Jake's chin and kissed his nose. "Are you hungry?"

"Mum mum." The kid nodded.

"Say thank you to Uncle Harm," Mac pointed to Harm. "He made pasketti and sauce for dinner just for you."

"Ketti!" Jacob clapped and looked up at Harm, smiling what Harm decided to call his Mac-smile.

"That's right. Say thank you." She repeated, fastening a bib around Jacob's neck.

"Kyou!" Jacob exclaimed, obviously very, very excited.

Harm laughed as he placed a bowl of spaghetti with his now famous marinara sauce in front of Jacob.

"Here you go."

Before Mac could do anything, Jake grabbed the bowl in a lightening fast move and slammed it into his face, his mouth wide open, eyes full of mischievous excitement. The bowl slipped from Jacob's grasp and fell onto the highchair table with a plastic clang.

"Jake!" Mac exclaimed as the spaghetti and red sauce dripped down the boy's face and neck, and onto his clean clothes. "Oh, Jacob." Mac sighed.

Harm tried really hard not to laugh, but it was no use. "He eats just like you too, Mac!"

She slapped his arm in warning, but it was too late, and Jacob responded to Harm's laughter by giggling and grabbing handfuls of pasta. He offered one fistful of food to Harm, still laughing.

"You're only encouraging him!" Mac berated. She took the bowl away from Jacob and started cleaning up the pasta. "You're supposed to give him a bowl of dry pasta to feed himself with, and you're supposed to feed him the pasta with sauce yourself. Now I have to give him another bath." She said as she started wiping the excess sauce from the boy's face.

Harm was appropriately chastised. "Sorry."

"Kyou!" Jacob helpfully added, smacking his lips loudly.

Mac sighed, and much to Harm's relief gave him an amused, forgiving smile. "No, it's alright. I should've warned you." She gave Jake a quick appraisal. "Alright, kid. We obviously have to work on your table manners. How about first we eat dinner and then I can give you a bath while Uncle Harm cleans up the mess you guys made on my floor."

"Ketti!" Jacob answered, trying valiently to lick his face.

Harm winked at Jacob as Mac plated another bowl of pasta. Jacob grinned in response, happily kicking his legs in his high chair.

--

Jacob was asleep, after Mac had tucked him in and Harm had cleaned up after dinner. The sudden quiet Jacob left in his wake found the two of them making their way to the couch, steaming mugs of tea and a plate of cookies in hand.

"So, what about you?" She asked as they settled down on the couch.

"What about me?"

"Seeing anyone?" She elaborated

He laughed at that. It was the last thing he'd wanted to do in the last two years. He'd been too busy being down about life. "No. Wasn't in the right frame or place for it."

"It was that bad?" Her tone was sympathetic, and he knew she'd be one of the few people who would understand. He felt the unfamiliar urge to talk about it.

He shrugged. "I kept feeling ... displaced. Like I wasn't home." He sighed. "Coming back here, though, seeing Bud and Harriet and little AJ, seeing you, I realized I should've kept in touch."

"I should have too." She responded quietly. He could hear her guilt, but that was the last thing he wanted. Especially after hearing about how the last year had been for her.

"No, Mac. I just," He again felt the need to explain. "I just felt lost ... like I was drifting. Does that make sense? I wanted to fly, but even I knew I could only go so far in that career path. And after I put in to transfer back to JAG, I was sent to San Diego when what I wanted was to come back here. I hated it there, and I didn't want to dwell on what I was missing, on the decisions I'd made. I didn't know if I regretted it. I mean, I love to fly, I loved flying. But that was five months. The rest of the last two years..." He trailed off when he felt her hand on his arm.

"I'm sorry I wasn't such a great friend to you, Harm. I didn't do much to keep in touch either. I was, well, I guess I was pretty involved in what was going on in my life. I wanted to call you when I heard you'd be in San Diego, but I didn't know what the circumstances were, and I just talked myself out of it. It was easier." She looked him in the eye as she said this, and he saw that her decision had really bothered her.

His hand covered hers, again surprised by her honesty. "Hey, don't worry."

"But I am sorry. I should've been there for you."

"Don't worry," He repeated. "We're here now."

They shared a smile, and the years apart seemed to simply fade away. He had to work very hard not to lean down and touch his lips to hers. Apparently time had done nothing to abate his attraction for her.

"Tell me about Brumby." He said to distract himself. It had barely been a year since her fiancée had died, just over a year since she'd become a mother, and here he was ready to make a move on her. Nostalgia, he reminded himself. He was being nostalgic.

She sighed. "He was called back to Australia. On his last night here we got to talking. We had a pretty good partnership going. He'd made it clear that he was interested." She laughed suddenly. "Actually, he was pretty much relentless. I'd never had a guy invest so much in trying to convince me to go out on a date with him."

"You hadn't dated before then?" He had been certain of the opposite, convinced that Brumby would wear down her defenses before that much time had passed.

"No. I didn't want to. I was fine on my own, no need to complicate things. I agreed to a few platonic dinners, but that was it. But on his last night here, he blew me away with ... well, he was quite romantic. I didn't want a long distance relationship, but I was surprised to find myself feeling regretful that he was leaving, feeling sad. I told him so, and he actually proposed. Had a ring and everything."

"What?" He exclaimed, turning fully to face her on the couch.

She laughed at his expression. "That was pretty much my reaction."

He watched her drift away into memory, grow distant.

"It was something else. He was something else. He wasn't perfect, but he had a kind heart, he was good to me. And I felt my feelings for him deepening..." She shook herself out of her thoughts. "Anyways, he was insistent on keeping in touch when he left. Then I was sent to Australia for a case. It was the first time we saw each other in person since he'd left. After the case was over, I took some time off and stayed in Sydney. It was fantastic. My last night, he proposed again, and he showed me his letter of resignation from the RAN. I was absolutely terrified of taking such a big step, but he made me feel ... so wonderful, so wanted. So I agreed. For the next six weeks, I just kept pinching myself, thinking I'd wake up any minute. We were planning the wedding when I found out I was pregnant. We were both shocked." Again, that stunning smile she wore when she spoke of her son swept over her features. "And happy, so happy. I didn't want to get married in maternity wear, and he readily agreed. Anything I wanted. He was on his way to the caterer's to meet me for a sampling when he was in the collision."

She took a breath, and in it he could hear the weight of emotion pressing her into the ground. "God, Harm. I didn't know what to do. Jacob was so tiny and I was solely responsible for him, and all I could think looking at my little boy was that he would never know his father. He'd grow up without that. I kept thinking of how hard it had been for you, and I just ... I wished I could talk to you but I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone and dial because talking to you meant saying all my fears out loud and if you told me how hard it was going to be..." She took another deep breath, her voice now shaking. "It was just too much to handle. I needed to be strong for Jacob, he would feel my distress..." She trailed off to wipe the tears in her eyes, looking embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I don't usually do this."

He pulled her into a hug, no longer able to keep his distance as she spoke. "Hey, it's alright. Maybe you need to do this." He tightened his hold on her when she wrapped her arms around his waist, her face settled in his shoulder. He could feel her crying.

"I'm right here." He soothed. "It won't be easy, Mac, but it won't always be hard either. The admiral, Bud, they'll all fill that space for him. And I will, too. He's already loved by all these people, and love is all kids need to be healthy and happy."

"I know, I know." She sniffed, holding him closer. "I just, I guess I just need to hear it from time to time. Thank you."

"Don't worry about it." He ran his hand along her back in steady strokes. "Feel better?"

"Mm," She nodded into his shoulder, and then gave a short laugh. "See, this is exactly why I should've called you."

He laughed, silently thinking to himself that this was why he should've called her, too. This was why.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Don't own'em

--

**Home 2/4  
**

_One month later_

"Here you go, buddy." Harm told Jake, setting a bowl of spaghetti – without sauce – in front of the boy.

"Ketti! Ham!" Jacob kicked his feet up in excitement, and stuffed his hands into the bowl of pasta.

"Say 'Uncle Harm'," Harm said slowly to the toddler.

"Ham." Jacob repeated, his eyes twinkling with ever-present mischief.

Harm chuckled. Sometimes he thought Jacob took the same pleasure as Mac did in being stubborn with him.

"Alright, Jacob," Mac said from her seat at the table by Jake. She held up spoonful of spaghetti with sauce for him. "Open up."

Jake happily obeyed, singing and babbling as he ate.

Harm set a Mac's bowl of spaghetti in front of her. He served himself before taking a seat at the kitchen table.

"I can feed him while you eat," He offered, watching as Jake happily gobbled up the pasta.

"That's alright. He's surprisingly compliant on spaghetti nights." She answered, helping herself to a forkful of spaghetti drenched in sauce. "This is seriously the best marinara sauce in the history of humankind, Harm." She praised his sauce as she always did on their weekly Monday spaghetti night.

He grinned, full of pride and satisfaction as Mac and Jacob both feasted on his homemade dinner. Following the first time he'd made spaghetti and sauce for them, Harm had taken to buying organic pasta made fresh daily at a store in Georgetown. It tasted amazing, not to mention was healthier for Jacob.

"I was thinking," Harm began as he dug into his own dinner. "Instead of the park this Sunday, we could take Jacob to Great Falls National Park. The leaves are only just starting to turn, but he might get a kick out of seeing the waterfalls. We could pack a picnic if it's not too cold."

Mac looked excited herself at the prospect. "That's a great idea." She turned to Jacob. "What do you think, kid? Want to see some waterfalls?"

Jacob babbled merrily, offering her a fistful of dry pasta.

She winked at Harm. "I think that means yes."

"Excellent." Harm ruffled Jake's hair, already looking forward to the weekend. Truth was, Sunday with Jacob and Mac was his favourite time of the week, in addition to Monday spaghetti night of course.

"Hey, how old do you think Jacob would have to be before he could take a ride in Sarah?" Harm asked.

"Fifty." She replied without hesitating.

"Mac!" He laughed at her stoic expression and unequivocal answer.

"Alright, alright." She relented, laughing herself. "How about forty?"

He laughed harder, and this time Jacob joined in.

"What do you think is so funny, kid?" Mac tapped Jake's nose, grinning.

Jake answered Mac in baby-talk, giggling as he usually did whenever Mac laughed in his presence.

"Oh, alright." Mac sighed dramatically. "You can take a ride in Uncle's Harm plane when you graduate from high school."

Harm shook his head at her, smiling. He decided to wait until Jake was a little older before broaching the topic. Mac was obviously not yet ready to cut the apron strings. An idea struck.

"How about I take you up in Sarah?" He offered. "We could play hooky from work like we did that first time; Jake would already be in daycare too, so you wouldn't have to worry about a sitter." And I'd have you all to myself, he added silently. Since he'd come back, he didn't think he'd seen her smile or laugh as much as she used to before he left to fly. In fact, she was in her best moods whenever Jake was around, and Harm knew from talking with Bud and the admiral that Mac was still recovering from the shock of the last year. He really wanted to see if he could get her to laugh and tease him like she used to do. He wanted to know if he could bring her out of her shell when it was just the two of them spending a day together.

She cocked her head to the side, looking at him uncertainly.

"I don't know..."

"Come on, Mac." He cajoled. "It'll be great." He turned to Jake. "What do you think, big guy? Should mama go with Uncle Harm on his plane?"

"Pane!" Jake exclaimed around a mouthful of pasta. "Mama! Ham!"

"That's a yes, Marine." He stated with smug satisfaction.

She laughed. "He's just repeating the words he knows, Harm."

"Ham!" Jacob bounced up and down in his high chair. "Ham! Ham!"

"See." It was her turn to be smug.

"C'mon, Mac." He said, his tone now serious. "When's the last time you had a day to yourself?"

Her smile faded at his words, and she studied him more carefully.

"I promise you'll have a great time." He persisted. "Think of it: the wind in your hair, all your worries left on the ground at take-off..."

She bit her lip. She was tempted, he could see; he was getting close.

"I haven't taken you up in Sarah in ages..."

"Okay," She finally relented, though not very enthusiastically.

He grinned widely. "Great!" He couldn't wait. "You won't regret this. How about Wednesday? Right in the middle of the week – it'll be perfect."

Laughing at his excitement, she reached across the table and placed her hand on top of his. "Thanks, Harm."

The solemn gratitude in her eyes made him uncomfortable, especially given his absence from her life these past two years. Besides, if anything, he was taking her flying as much for himself as he was for her.

"Don't mention it, Mac." He turned his hand palm-side up, and wrapped his fingers around hers. He felt it again as he looked at her, that warm feeling in his gut, the tingle in the tips of his fingers. He thought, this time, he knew what it meant, he also knew what he wanted.

He just didn't know how to go about getting it, not yet.

--

_One month later_

Harm watched as Mac pulled her car into the spot next to his. She climbed out of the driver's side, and smiled at him in greeting.

"Hey," He returned her smile. "Ready to hit the track?"

"All set," She confirmed as she pulled Jacob out of his car seat. "The stroller's in the trunk."

Harm was about to offer to take it out for her, when she handed him a grinning Jake. "Hold him while I get it out."

Harm knew a good deal when he saw one. He happily took Jake in his arms, giving the boy a noisy kiss on the cheek. Jacob giggled.

"Ham!" He squealed, and then jabbered away excitedly.

"That's Uncle Ham to you, kiddo." He said, watching Mac as she popped open the trunk and pulled out the stroller. Her hair was tied up for the run. She was wearing jogging pants that hugged her six in delightful ways and a tight top made for running in the cooler autumn temperatures. She looked good enough to eat.

"Your mama," Harm told Jake in a quiet voice, one eye on Mac, "Is a hottie."

"Ottie." Jake repeated, giggling, happy to see Harm.

Harm's eyes widened in alarm. Oh, shit. He looked to Mac, who was now approaching them with the stroller, hoping she hadn't heard. It didn't look like she had. He sighed in relief and handed her Jake to put into the jogging stroller.

"Mama ottie!" Jake cried out to his mother, laughing and babbling.

Harm held his breath and tried not to look guilty.

"What's that sweetpea?" Mac asked, only half paying attention to what Jacob was saying. She was more intent on her task of buckling him in safely for their run. "Mama what?"

"I really missed running in Rock Creek Park in the fall," Harm said quickly, to distract Mac. "I'm glad you invited me."

"No problem." She responded, tapping Jacob's nose as she finished buckling him in. She stood up and looked at Harm. "The admiral usually runs with us in the mornings, but since he's away for the week I thought I should give you a call."

"Glad to be second choice," He joked.

"I also missed our morning jogs, Harm." She said indulgently, wearing a bright smile that had him staring at her, his thoughts wandering over possibilities and opportunities.

"Uh," He caught himself before she noticed his lapse. "Do you want me to push him?"

"How about we switch up halfway through?" She offered, glancing down at Jacob. "The stroller takes some getting used to."

He nodded. "Sure thing." He squatted down to look at Jake. "Who do you want to push you first, buddy? Uncle Harm or mama?"

"Mama!" Jake's reply was prompt.

Harm laughed. "Alright, mama's boy. You got it."

--

_An hour later._

"Tired, old man?" She gave him an amused look as they jogged the final stretch of the trail.

"Watch it, Marine." Harm responded, concentrating on his breathing. "I'm in great form." Breath in, breath out, "It's the stroller," Breath in, breath out, "That takes some getting used to."

Mac just laughed, obviously not buying a word of it. From his spot in the stroller, Jacob giggled in response to his mother's amusement. Harm thought it was a very sweet combination of sounds.

"How about I buy you breakfast?" Mac offered. "We usually hit the diner for chocolate chip pancakes after our run."

"The admiral eats chocolate chip pancakes?" Harm found that hard to believe.

"With bananas." She informed him in a conspiratorial tone. "Keep it to yourself, Navy."

"Only if you stop calling me old man."

She grinned, an impish spark in her eye. "In that case, I'll take my chances." She paused for effect, "Old man."

He shook his head at her, unable to stop grinning. The weeks since he'd come back had been good to him, and he knew it was due in large part to the woman next to him. He heard Jacob start singing some disjointed song from his seat, and his grin widened. Due in large part to the woman next to him, and the small boy who'd captured his heart with a smile that mirrored his mother's.

--

_Two months later_

Harm looked up from the copy machine in time to catch sight of Mac exiting the elevator with Jacob in one arm and a folder in the other. He smiled at the look of fascination on Jacob's face as he took in the bustle of the bullpen.

"Marine," Harm greeted, making his way to Mac.

"Hey, Harm." She gave him a warm smile. "Is Sturgis in his office? I need to drop off this file."

"He should be in there." Harm answered, grinning at Jacob. "Come here, buddy."

He plucked Jacob away from his mother.

"Ham!" Jacob cried out, looking just like his mother with that smile on his face.

"Go find Sturgis," Harm told Mac. "I'll keep an eye on this guy."

"Colonel," Bud greeted Mac before she could move away. He then turned to Jacob. "Hey, champ. Want to say hi to your Uncle Bud."

"Ka-Bud." Jacob grinned at Bud, sticking his arms out in invitation to be carried.

"Sorry, Bud." Harm said, twisting away, "I have seniority."

"Play nice," Mac teased the two men.

"Colonel" The admiral greeted Mac as he stepped into the bullpen. "Here on your day off?"

"Just stopped by to drop off this file for Commander Turner, Sir." She waved the file in front of her. "Jake and I have a full day planned."

"Amal!" Jacob squealed when he caught sight of the admiral, practically hopping out of Harm's hold.

"That's my cue, Commander." The admiral informed Harm. "If you'd hand my godson over." He took Jacob without waiting for a reply. "You can go grab that coffee, Colonel." He informed her, busy tickling Jacob's little chin. "I'll keep an eye on this little trouble-maker."

He then turned and returned to his office, with Jacob in his arms.

Mac, Harm and Bud stared after him.

"Did he just order you to get coffee so he could play with Jacob?" Harm asked in wonder.

He turned to find Mac grinning away, watching Jacob happily babble to the admiral as they made their way to his office.

"Better watch it, Mac," Harm teased, amused by the expression on her face. "Or your kid will end up batting for the Navy."

She turned to give him and Bud a warm smile. "If all the great role models in his life are squids, I won't complain if he wants to be just like them."

Harm was humbled by the praise, while Bud was grinning like a kid at Christmas.

"Ma'am," Harriet came up to them before Harm could formulate a response. "Did Bud tell you about AJ? We found out last night that he has chickenpox. I called Marjorie," She said, referring to their usual babysitter, "But she's going to visit her daughter in Vermont this weekend."

"Oh." Mac's face fell so quickly, it was almost comical. "So our spa date is off?"

"I'm afraid so, Ma'am. Jake can't stay with Bud and AJ anymore. AJ might still be contagious on Saturday."

Mac looked so forlorn, Harm couldn't help but jump in.

"I'll watch Jake," He offered.

Mac, Harriet and Bud all turned to look at him, but it was the women's assessing gazes that made him shift uncomfortably. Mac and Harriet exchanged a wary, appraising glance. He thought perhaps all mothers just had that particular look transplanted into their brains as soon as they went into labour.

"I don't know, Harm." Mac said carefully. "For a whole day?"

"Sure." He shrugged. "What's a few hours? I can take him with me to work on the Corvette."

Harriet's eyes widened in alarm, while Mac's face pulled into an unconvinced frown. Bud shook his head quickly, trying to warn Harm.

"To the garage, Sir?" Harriet asked, as though she'd misheard.

"Um. No?" Harm answered with what he thought might be the correct answer. "I mean, we'll go to the park, and then I'll feed him some broccoli and we'll watch the Discovery Channel."

Mac laughed at his reply. "Harm." She warned. "A toddler can be a handful."

"We'll be fine, Mac. I'll come to your place to watch him, and I have your cell number on speed dial. Besides," He added with his most charming smile. "Jake and I are buddies."

Mac didn't seem so sure. Harriet was still looking at Harm like he was a complete stranger. However, Bud looked impressed and that made Harm feel just a bit hopeful.

"Come on, Mac. Trust me." He knew he was playing her like a finely tuned violin with that emotional appeal.

Predictably, she relented. "Well, okay. If you're sure. And you'll have my cell number" She made it sound like he'd need it. "Thank you, Harm." She made that sound like she was pretty sure she was thanking him prematurely.

"No problem, Mac." He grinned at the two women, taking their ambivalence about him babysitting in stride. He did after all love a good challenge, not to mention proving people wrong. "I know how much you two have been looking forward to this spa thing."

--

_That Saturday_

Harm lay back on the couch, with Jacob sitting on his chest. Harm had been singing a few songs to Jacob, in an effort to calm him down after a marathon session of tag/hide-and-seek. The kid was getting sleepy, but was refusing to sleep. Apparently, Queen, the Who and Van Halen weren't suitable lullabies.

Another unsuitable thing, Harm had learned, was taking his eyes off Jake for even a minute while playing in the backyard. Apparently, the kid liked to eat mud – worms and all. Thank god Mac would never hear of this. He'd bathed Jacob just to get rid of all the evidence, and that had definitely been a unique experience, not to mention enlightening. It had taught him that soapy toddlers were very slippery, that Jacob also liked to eat shampoo, and that the boy shouldn't be left alone without a diaper on. That last one was another especially enlightening experience. Although he couldn't help the glow of pride in his chest at the distance Jake's trajectory had. Needless to say, he'd cleaned the walls. Mac would never hear of that, either.

He sighed, enjoying the quiet moment he'd worked damn hard for. Toddlers were definitely more than just a handful. He again marveled at Mac, at how she was doing this alone, all while working full time. She loved it all, he knew, but he could see how it was sometimes overwhelming for her to juggle work and a toddler as a single parent. He'd been doing all he could for her. He could admit that he'd been doing it for himself, too. Spending time with Mac had always centered him. Spending time with her and Jacob ... well, he couldn't yet find words for what that made him feel.

To be honest, he'd been considering approaching Mac with the idea of deepening their relationship. He just didn't know how she'd react. Did she see him that way? Was she still grieving for Brumby? He thought that in the couple of months since his return alone, he'd noticed a change in her. She'd talked often with him about her relationship with Brumby, about the time after his death. All he could do was listen and offer comfort if she wanted it, understanding when she needed it. But recently, her eyes were less sad. She smiled more at things and people other than Jake-related. She was back to teasing him in that easy, familiar way. Maybe she was ready? But he didn't want to push.

Maybe he'd be subtle, try and take Mac out without Jacob. Time for just the two of them, in addition to the time the three of them already spent together on their weekly spaghetti nights, occasional morning jogs, Sundays at the park, and Saturdays with him finding any excuse to meet up with them.

Mac would probably kill him if he framed it as wanting to help her out with Jacob. Truth was, he just wanted to be with her. It was spending time with her and Jake, yes, but seeing her smile, listening to her voice, just being with her that made him feel like he'd found himself. However, he guessed that getting her to believe that, and not think he was doing this out of a misguided need to give Jacob a father was going to be a tough task.

Speaking of fathers...

Harm studied Jacob's innocent face as the boy sat on his chest and babbled away, stubbornly refusing to give in to sleep. He wondered how young was too young for a heart to heart talk. Well, he didn't lose much in trying.

"Your mom worries about you, you know." He said to Jake. "About you growing up without your father. You have to make sure that you're not too hard on your mom, alright big guy?" He smoothed down Jake's curls with his hand. "My dad went away when I was little, too, and I wasn't nice to my mom like I should've been. I think that's why your mama worries." Jacob looked up at hearing his mother being named. "But you can do better than me there, right?"

Jacob was listening intently as Harm spoke, his eyes fixed on Harm's. He answered with his usual baby speak, and Harm decided Jacob understood.

"And if you need anyone to talk to, no matter what, you can always come to me. I can teach you how to get yourself in and out of a fistfight, and how to play catch." He paused, thinking of how Mac could attack a punching bag. "Come to think of it, your mom could teach you those. You should see her left hook." He informed the toddler. "It's a mean one. And she actually struck out the admiral in a softball game once – don't tell the admiral I told you that. He'd have my hide." He cocked his head to the side. "How about instead I teach you how to cook and how to fly a biplane? How does that sound? I make a mean meatless meatloaf. It's your mama's favourite." He couldn't help but grin, remembering Mac's reaction the first time she'd tasted his meatless meatloaf.

"Mama?" Jacob chimed in.

"Yeah, that's right. Your mama loves my cooking. Just like you love my pasketti."

"Ketti!" He squealed and bounced on Harm's chest, as anticipated.

Harm laughed. "One track mind; like mother like son. Can you say meatless meatloaf?"

"Meelss toap." Jake said, his tongue awkwardly tangling with the words.

"Close enough, big guy," Harm grinned, and Jacob grinned back.

"You know, I really missed your mama while I was away. Didn't even realize that's what it was. And I missed you, too."

"Ootoo?" Jake inquired.

"I did." Harm nodded. "I missed all the growing up you did. I missed being there for your mom. Did your mom ever tell you about the time I took her on a plane?"

"Pane?"

"That's right. A plane. Remember, planes fly in the air? My plain is yellow. It's a Stearman." He enunciated slowly for Jake's benefit.

"Tee-man."

"Exactly right – it was my daddy's plane. You're a very smart little boy. Smart like your mama." He took in Jake's sparkling brown eyes, his cute little nose. "You also look like your mama. She's beautiful, isn't she?" Even he noted how wistful his voice sounded.

Jacob babbled away in response, half-talking, half-singing, his chubby fingers now playing with Harm's shirt buttons.

"She is beautiful." Harm agreed, nodding. "What do you think your mama would say if I asked her out for a date, just the two of us? You think she'd say yes, Jake?" He paused with bittersweet regret. "I didn't realize how much I missed her until I left, until I came back. That's usually how it is." He watched Jacob, whose eyes were starting to droop with sleep. "You have to make sure you never take the good things for granted, Jacob."

Jake was now falling asleep sitting up, so Harm settled the kid on his chest, his little head resting over Harm's heart. He felt happiness settle over him in a fine cloak as he listened to Jacob's even breathing, and felt the boy slowly gave in to sleep.

--

Mac opened her front door and entered the house. All was quiet. She wondered if Harm had actually managed to settle Jacob down for a nap. That would be an impressive feat. Perhaps she had grossly underestimated him. It wouldn't be the first time she was guilty of that.

She toed off her shoes and walked down the hallway to the living room. In there she saw Harm sprawled on the couch fast asleep, with Jacob resting on his chest, also sleeping.

The sight in front of her made her heart thud in her chest, a wave of incomprehensible emotions swell inside her. They looked so peaceful. They looked so good together. She thought of Mic, and how crazy he'd been about Jacob during those two short months, how he would hate to be missing all this. She swallowed the lump in her throat, thinking of all the things Jacob would miss out on because of Mic's senseless death. All those things fathers taught sons.

She missed Mic as well, but not as much as she'd thought she would have. Maybe because their romance had been one of those textbook whirlwind ones. Maybe because she'd invested so much into Jacob, not letting herself have the time to miss him, only allowed herself those occasional nights where she'd cry herself to sleep thinking about the man she was going to marry, the father of her son, the one who'd slipped away from life.

Then Harm had come back, and she found that the trust she'd felt with him before he left, back when she considered him her best friend, that trust was still there. She'd even managed to talk about Mic with someone else for the first time in a long time. Before that, it had been easier to ignore it, keep it inside.

Talking with him felt so good, so cathartic. And also for the first time in a long time, she could wake up in the morning and feel good about facing the day, feel good about things in her life besides Jacob, her little angel, the light in her life. Maybe this was what healing was.

And yet. And yet it made her wonder at what she felt for Mic that talking to Harm during a few short weeks had her feeling so ... centered. Maybe she hadn't been missing Mic all so much because ... because ... It was so damn complicated, Mac sighed heavily. If she were being honest with herself, what she'd felt for Mic wasn't anywhere near what she'd let herself feel for Harm before he'd transferred away from JAG.

But what did that mean? It didn't mean anything, she told herself. It didn't mean anything. She had been happy with Mic; she knew this. He'd treated her in a way few ever had. And when she'd seen Harm again, of all possible things to feel, she'd felt the fondness of a deep friendship. So it didn't mean anything that talking to Harm was suddenly making life seem more manageable, challenges seem more surmountable. It didn't mean anything; just that their friendship had survived separation intact, had survived his loneliness and her loss.

That's all it meant.

Mac shook her head to clear her thoughts, and focused on the scene on her couch. She was surprised to find that Harm was now awake, blinking away the sleep from his eyes, watching her with a lazy warmth.

"Hey." She whispered. She walked up to the couch, and crouched down in front of the two.

"Hey," He answered quietly. "He is a fireball of energy."

Mac grinned, running her hand over Jake's hair. "Thank you, Harm." She meant for so much more than babysitting Jacob so she could go to the spa.

His responding grin lit her heart. "You can thank me with dinner."

She laughed quietly and placed a soft kiss on Jake's head. "Let me change, then I'll make us something."

He shook his head, catching her wrist before she could stand up. "I mean a proper dinner. Next weekend, you can take me out."

She cocked her head to the side, studying him, wondering why he seemed nervous of all things. "Where?"

"That new Thai restaurant we keep hearing about."

"Jacob might be too young for that place."

"Just you and me, Mac. I'm sure Marjorie won't mind watching Jacob."

She shrugged. "Alright."

"And you have to wear a dress." He added almost as an afterthought, as though he believed he was pushing his luck.

She laughed, crinkled her nose in amused confusion. "I have to wear a dress?"

He nodded, a teasing light in his eye. "That's a deal breaker."

"Alright, Navy." She grinned at how he was looking at her, with Jake resting comfortably on his chest. "I'll wear a dress."

"Good." He was satisfied.

"Should I take him to bed?" She indicated Jake's sleeping form.

"Nah, give us a few more minutes. I rarely see him so quiet and peaceful."

She watched them for a moment, before forcing herself to get up and go change. She sighed, not knowing how to interpret or even understand what the sight of Jacob sleeping against Harm's heart was making her feel.

She wouldn't think about it.

--

_Next Friday_

"Hey, come on in. I just need to get my jacket." She said, moving aside to let him in.

"No problem," He replied, stepping through the entrance. He took a moment to admire her as she shut the door. "You look great, Mac."

She did a quick twirl in her dress, laughing. The hem floated about her knees and her eyes sparkled with delight. "It feels really good to dress up for dinner. I haven't done this in a long while."

His grin mirrored hers, and he silently categorized this as the best date he'd been on in living memory.

"Come say hi to Jacob while I get my purse." Mac said, heading up the stairs. "He's with Marjorie in the den."

He readily made his way to the den, where he found Marjorie and Jacob playing on the rug. He grinned widely at seeing his favourite toddler.

"Evening, Marjorie."

"Hi, Harm," Before Marjorie could say anything further, Jacob crawled over to Harm at full speed and lifted himself on his knees.

"Ham!" Jacob's face lit up with excitement.

"Hey there, Jake!" Harm scooped up the kid and tossed him in the air. "Say 'Uncle Ham', kiddo."

"Ketti!" Jake squealed, giggling as Harm caught him. Harm pulled him into a tight hug.

"I'll make you pasketti next time, buddy. Now, be good for Marjorie." He kissed the kid's temple. "I promise to bring your mama home safe and sound."

Jacob answered in toddler-talk, more intent on trying to put Harm's watch, still attached to Harm's wrist, in his mouth.

"Ready to go?" Mac asked as she entered the den, busy slipping her cell phone into her purse.

"All set," Harm answered.

Mac walked up to Harm, and tweaked Jake's nose. "Night, sweetpea. Mama's going to miss you."

Jacob smiled at his mother, tugging on Harm's watch to show it to her.

"Wow." She said to him, "That's a shiny watch—"

"It's not shiny, Mac." Harm interrupted. "It's manly."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Jacob thinks it's shiny." She tapped the boy's nose. "Don't you, kid?"

"Ankyou." Jacob informed the adults, pulling at the watch.

Mac grinned at Harm. "That means he wants it."

"I'll give it to you when you graduate from college, Jake." Harm said. "Then you can thank me."

Mac laughed. She took Jake from Harm and gave him a big hug and a kiss before setting him down. "Be good for Marjorie, Jake. Mama loves you."

"Ovoo." Jake mimicked, already walking away to play with Marjorie.

"We won't be too late, Marjorie." Mac turned to the older lady. "You have my cell number. I left Harm's on the fridge as well."

"No problem, Mac. Have a good time."

"She will," Harm replied, grinning at Mac as he led her out of the den.

--

_Later..._

"Thanks, Harm. Dinner was great." She slipped her hand around his arm as he walked her to the front door. "I'd forgotten how quiet and relaxing eating out can be."

He smiled down at her. "I had a good time as well. We should do this again."

She nodded easily, and he wondered if she got that this was a date and not just a friendly night out.

He waited as she fished her keys out of her purse and unlocked the front door. "Do you want to come in?" She asked as she pushed open the door.

Oh, how he wanted to.

He was about to answer when Marjorie walked into the hallway.

"Hi there, Mac, Harm. Did you guys have a good time?"

Mac grinned at Marjorie. "Most definitely. It's a great restaurant. You should take Cheryl the next time she comes down from Vermont. Was Jacob alright?"

"He was a perfect little angel." Marjorie answered. She had grandkids of her own, but none that lived close by. She'd also known Jacob since he was an infant, having been AJ's babysitter since the first time Harriet and Bud had needed someone to watch over their son. Harm suspected she had a fondness for Jacob that blinded her to some of the boy's more ... enthusiastic undertakings.

"I'll head home." She said, slipping on her coat.

"Drive safe." Mac said.

"Don't you worry, Mac. Goodnight Harm." She added, slipping past them and heading to her car.

"Night, Marjorie." Harm called after her. "Thanks for watching Jake." He turned back to Mac.

"So, Sailor; want to come in, or are you calling it a night." She punctuated her sentence with a slight yawn.

He chuckled. "I think you're about ready to call it a night."

"I can put on some tea, Harm." She insisted, unbuttoning her coat as she faced him. "It's not a problem."

"Thanks, Mac, but I'll let you get your beauty sleep." He looked at the smooth expanse of her shoulders as she slipped out of her coat, the soft curve of her neck. Unable to resist, he reached out his hand, his fingers slowly tracing the slope of her cheek, his thumb brushing over her jaw.

"Harm..." She searched his face, then looked away, conscious and unsure.

Before he could talk himself out of it, he leaned forward and touched his lips to hers in a soft kiss. She tasted just as he remembered from all that time ago.

He forced himself to pull away before he got ahead of himself. Her eyes had drifted closed, an expression of wonder on her face.

"Goodnight, Sarah." He whispered.

He turned on his heel before he lost his nerve, taking the porch steps down two at a time. He didn't dare look back. He'd take her lead on this, he told himself. The thrill of their kiss zinged through him, from his lips right down to his toes. The feeling followed him home, all the way into sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Don't own'em

--

**Home 3/4**

Mac was a mess. She couldn't think straight after last night's kiss. It had completely thrown her. She had not expected it. She hadn't even considered that Harm would do such a thing. She couldn't figure out why he did do such a thing. She'd actually spent all morning trying to figure it out.

It had made for a lot of absentmindedness and distraction, the brunt of which had been felt by Jacob. She'd put on Jake's clothes the wrong way in the morning, mistaking his shirt for his pants. She'd put his cereal in his sippy cup, his milk in her coffee maker, and her coffee in his cereal bowl. The poor kid had been thoroughly confused, trying to suck his cereal out of the sippy cup, watching her as though she was some kind of alien, transplanted into his mother's body just to mess with him. She'd bet he'd remember this as his first moment of existential anxiety, all because she couldn't figure out what Harm was up to, why he'd kissed her.

The Harm she remembered was commitment-phobic. He ran away from meaningful relationships. He avoided getting too involved with any woman. She couldn't conceive that he would just kiss her like that, knowing how much he cared for Jacob, how he'd go out of his way for her son. He wouldn't just kiss her if he was trifling with her, he wouldn't kiss her unless it meant something, would he? She knew he hadn't felt those kinds of inclinations towards her before he left to fly. If anything, her fascination with him had been purely one-sided. So what had changed...?

She glanced at the boy who was now happily playing with various toys in the den, bringing them each to her in turn for her approval.

Jacob.

Of course. Relief flowed through her, loosened her limbs. Jacob was a boy who'd lost his father at a young age. Harm's protective reflex was probably kicking in.

Mac took a deep breath. Okay. This, she could deal with. He was just looking out for Jacob, he didn't really want anything with her. Thank goodness. She took another calming breath. Alright. She could deal with Harm's misguided chivalry, no problem. Piece of cake. She didn't know how she would have dealt with him if he'd wanted something from her, wanted something it just hurt too damn much to offer to anyone. She was weak with relief, knowing that she wouldn't have to figure it out.

All she would have to do was pretend nothing had happened last night, that it was just a friendly peck. And then she'd have to find a way to tell him she and Jacob were just fine on their own, and she didn't need him riding in on his high horse to save either of them.

Maybe she'd start with the first, and work her way up to the second.

She'd just convinced herself of the brilliance of her plan when the phone rang.

"MacKenzie." She answered, one eye following Jake's movements. Experience had taught her early on that an unsupervised Jacob was just a recipe for disaster.

"Hey, Mac."

Of course, she thought, it had to be Harm.

"Harm. Hi. What's up?" She was playing it cool, and thought she'd succeeded until she found that Jacob was watching her with a look of curious confusion, like she was being odd. She gave Jake a quick smile, which seemed to convince him that all was well; he turned his attention back to his toys.

"Mac? Are you still there?" Harm's worry-tinged voice came through the line.

"What?" She snapped herself back to the conversation. "Yeah, I'm still here. Jacob was, uh, about to knock my tea off the table."

"How's the little guy?" Harm's grin was audible at the mention of her boy.

"Perfect." She smiled at Jake, who was trying to chew on her knee, through her jeans. She ruffled his hair affectionately.

"Great." He paused, and she braced herself. "Listen, do you two have any plans today?"

She should say yes, and turn him down. She was going to, but then her eyes fell on Jacob who was trying to climb up beside her, and she knew it wouldn't be fair on her son.

"No. We don't."

"I just read an article in the paper about this petting zoo that's been set up for the next couple of weeks. It's not far from your place. I bet Jake would love the rabbits and stuff they have there. And they have funnel cakes, which I know you love."

She closed her eyes on hearing his offer, again trying to process what the hell he was thinking when he'd kissed her last night. He was so incredibly sweet with Jacob ... and with her. It only confused Mac more. She took a deep breath, hearing Jacob protests of frustration from his spot in front of her on the carpet, where he was still struggling to climb onto the couch.

"Um, okay, sure. I think he'd love that." She picked Jacob up and set him beside her. He immediately nuzzled into her side, which made Mac smile.

If Harm detected any hesitation in her voice, he didn't let it show. "Great. How about I come over in an hour, then we can head out?"

"An hour," She repeated, watching Jacob as he tried to tunnel into her. She didn't know what to do.

"Great!" She could hear Harm's excitement. "See you then, Mac."

"Bye." She really, really wished he'd never kissed her.

--

_Two weeks later_

Harm lay on his stomach next to Jacob, the two of them flipping through a large picture book set out on the floor.

Harm pointed to a picture of a plane in the book. "Doggie." He told Jacob.

"Oggie." Jacob repeated.

"Good boy!" Harm exclaimed, dropping a kiss on the boy's head. He then pointed to a picture of a plane.

"Pane!" Jacob exclaimed, before Harm could say anything.

"I think we have a genius on our hands," Harm informed Mac, who was sitting on the couch reading through a case file.

She shook her head, not looking up from her work. "I think you may be a bit biased."

"I think you're a genius," Harm told Jacob. He pointed to a picture of a bird, flying against a backdrop of clouds and blue sky. "What's that, buddy?"

"Pane!" Jacob said.

Mac glanced at the picture Harm was pointing at and laughed. "I rest my case."

"Birdie, Jacob. Birdie." Harm said, his finger still indicating the bird in flight.

"Uddie." Jacob chanted. "Uddie, uddie, uddie..." He thumped his hands against the book, and Harm figured he was getting restless from just staying in one spot for a whole five minutes.

Time for a change of pace.

Harm rolled onto his back, picking Jake up as he went, and tossed the boy in the air. "Is that a plane?!" He asked Jacob with exaggerated amusement. Jacob laughed gleefully.

"Is that a birdie?!" He tossed the boy up again. "What is that flying in the living room, mama?" He addressed Mac.

She laughed as well, and put aside her work to join them on the floor, resting her head next to Harm's. He took silent delight in her proximity. After promising himself to take her lead following their kiss – well, more like his kiss – he had been disappointed by her decision to completely ignore it. She hadn't even brought it up once. The only indication he had that she'd wanted to drop it was her behaviour towards him in the week following the kiss: she'd seemed unsure around him, tentative. And whenever he'd stood close to her, or made any kind of gesture, or even dropped any kind of verbal hint, she'd pulled away.

But he was a patient man. He watched Jacob as he sailed through the air above him, and knew he could wait as long as she needed.

"Is it superboy?!" Mac said, tickling Jacob lightly as Harm caught him, giggling along with her son.

Jacob squealed with delight as Harm tossed him up again, his eyes sparkling, his smile wide and carefree. He was laughing so hard, he started hiccupping.

Harm caught the toddler and sat him down on his stomach. Jacob immediately scrambled off of Harm and climbed over his mother.

"Mama!" He was shrieking with laughter, exuberantly trying to hug Mac while still clapping and bouncing, happily ignoring his hiccups. Mac sat up and wrapped her arms around him in a bear hug.

"My baby." Mac gave Jake a smacking kiss on his cheek. "You're growing up too fast."

"Mama!" Jacob kept jabbering, oblivious to the emotion in his mother's voice. He crawled off of Mac and towards the chest full of playthings in the corner of the room, venting his excitement by seeking out his toys. Mac watched Jacob walk about, and Harm watched Mac.

He wondered what he could do to convince her to let her guard down, if there was anything he could do besides wait.

She sighed, looking a bit sad. "I'll get his dinner ready," She said, moving to get up.

He sat up, and caught her wrist before she could go. She went still, her eyes flicked to his.

"Harm..."

"Just ... c'mere..." He trailed off, tugging her wrist to bring her closer. He put his arms around her, drawing her in for a hug, resting his cheek against her temple. He took a deep breath, savouring this moment, holding her tighter. "You looked like you needed this." He whispered into her hair.

He felt her hands tentatively slip across his back. He closed his eyes. "Mac—"

"Mama!"

He heard the delighted squeal before Jacob tried to jump into the fray and climb between him and Mac. Laughing, he took one arm away from Mac and slipped it around Jacob.

"Hey there, buddy. You want a hug, too?" He looked upon Jacob's smiling face, and his heart was warmed through and through. Until he caught Mac's expression. She was watching him with such uncertainty, such sadness in her eyes that his smile disappeared, replaced by an ache in his chest.

"Mac," He began.

"I'll just get dinner," She said, her voice thick, cracking. She stood up quickly and headed to the kitchen before he could say anything.

Harm looked down to find Jacob staring after his mother, a serious expression on his face.

"Hey there, buddy," Harm wrapped Jacob in a tight hug. "Don't you worry about a thing. I'm way more stubborn than your mama."

--

_Two weeks later_

They were sitting on the couch at Bud and Harriet's, AJ and Jacob playing together at their feet while the adults chatted away. Well, Bud, Harriet and Harm chatted away. Mac was preoccupied with thoughts of Harm and his behaviour towards her this past month. Ever since that kiss. He wasn't pushing, not exactly, but she knew what he wanted, the question that was perpetually on the tip of his tongue.

It made her so nervous.

She didn't know what to do. She hoped that if she kept ignoring it, he'd never ask the question that was on the tip of his tongue, and hopefully just forget about it all together. Then she could stop worrying.

She was just thankful it hadn't made for awkward moments – well, she amended, too many awkward moments. It was just getting so hard to spend time with him without feeling like a nervous wreck, waiting for him to do something she didn't want him to do. She just couldn't get involved with anyone, not again. And not with Jacob's wellbeing at risk. So she'd just keep pretending nothing was happening, nothing had happened, and he'd keep not asking the question she could see quietly waiting in his eyes every time he looked at her.

"I'll go check on dinner," Harriet was saying as she stood up. Mac forced her attention back to the room.

"Let me help," She offered.

"Of course not, Mac. You stay right there," Harried countered. "It should be just about ready."

Mac knew an order when she heard it, so she complied.

"Mommy," AJ said, stepping up to Harriet. "Can I have ice cream, please?"

Jacob looked up from his play at the sound of AJ's voice. He followed each of AJ's movements, watching him with clear fascination. Mac grinned. AJ was Jacob's idol.

"Not now, AJ." Harriet was stern as she headed towards the kitchen. "After dinner."

AJ turned to his dad. "Daddy? Can I have ice cream now, please?"

"Listen to your mother, AJ." Bud replied, though slightly less stern than Harriet.

"Please, daddy?" AJ persisted, probably thinking he'd found the weaker link in his father.

"Bud," Harriet interrupted. "Could you please get out the drinks?"

"Sure thing, dear." Bud stood up, and then turned to AJ with a slightly more expression. "Ice cream after dinner, AJ."

"But, daddy," AJ whined, following Bud close behind as he left the room, still pleading his case. "Daddy, please, daddy..."

Jacob kept watching AJ with rapt attention as he walked away.

"A little hero worship," Harm whispered into her ear, his eyes fixed on Jacob with amused affection.

"No kidding." She answered, smiling at her son. Jake was still watching the now empty doorway through which AJ had exited just a moment ago.

Jacob then turned and toddled over to Mac. He studied her, looking as though he was considering some crucial, life-altering question.

"Mama?" He asked, pointing at her.

"Yes, sweetheart." Mac laughed. She pointed a finger at herself, wondering what the boy was thinking. "This is mama."

Jacob then looked back to the empty doorway AJ had walked through. He frowned and turned to Harm.

"Daddy?" He pointed a finger at Harm, his dark eyes solemn.

Mac's smiled slipped away. Oh, shit. She hadn't even conceived of this happening. Jacob obviously had inherited his father's tact. Or lack thereof, to be specific.

She snuck a quick glance at Harm, who for his part looked like someone had just hit him upside the head with a two-by-four.

She quickly scooped up Jacob and set him on her lap.

"Jake, that's Uncle Harm." She looked Jacob in the eye, waiting to get his attention, and then pointed at Harm. "Harm."

Jacob frowned. He was confused. He crawled off Mac's lap and climbed onto Harm's. He pointed one tiny, chubby finger at Mac.

"Mama." He informed Harm.

Harm did his best to nod.

Jacob pointed a finger at him and opened his mouth to speak. Before he could say anything, Mac yanked Jake from Harm's lap.

"Sweetheart, I think AJ wants to play with you." She set him down on the ground, facing him towards the kitchen, "Go to the kitchen." She pointed in the direction of the kitchen and swatted his diaper-clad bum. "AJ." She repeated.

Jacob broke into a grin. "Jay!" He quickly turned and made his way to the kitchen, happily leaving behind the mess he'd stirred. Thank god for short attention spans, Mac thought.

She sighed once Jacob was out of sight. "Sorry about that. I didn't think, I mean..." She took a breath, and just then she felt the full brick wall of realization slam into her. She was overcome by the need to cry. "Oh, hell. I didn't realize he'd pick that up. I didn't think of..." She was appalled to feel a few tears trail down her cheeks.

"Mac? Hey, what's wrong?" She felt Harm shift closer to her on the couch. "Hey, it's okay, Mac. I don't mind."

And that only made her feel worse. Mac blinked back fresh tears.

"He's going to grow up without a father. I just ... I know it. I always knew it. But I didn't think ... I didn't ... How will I..." Oh, god. She buried her head in her hands, and told herself to stop crying. This was one thing she couldn't do for her baby. She thought the admiral and Bud and then Harm when he came back and seemed so willing to spend time with little Jake, she thought they'd all make up for that. But, oh god. Her poor kid.

Harm pulled her into a hug. "Hey, it's okay. Tell me what's bothering you?"

"He's going to grow up without a dad. I thought I could be enough for him, but I can't."

"Oh, Mac. That's not true. Besides I'm here for him, and for you—"

She quickly pulled away from Harm, before he could finish what he was saying, having already let him say too much. She wiped her eyes and stood up. She needed space. She needed to find a way to make him realize that he didn't really want her, that he was just doing this for Jacob. She needed to find a way to show him she didn't need him. She had to stop crying on his shoulder.

"I'm going to freshen up. I think dinner's just about ready." She turned and left without a backward glance. Harm's heavy sigh, though, echoed in her ears as she departed.

--

_Monday next_

Harm set a cup of coffee on Mac's desk.

"I hear Jacob wasn't well this weekend?"

"Just a slight cold, but it was enough to throw him off for a couple of days."

"I wish I could've helped out."

She looked up at him oddly, not understanding, not willing to. "You were away on assignment all of last week. Besides, I wouldn't have imposed on you like that. Jacob is my responsibility."

He frowned at her. "It would have been easier with two sets of hands. And I could've covered for you while you caught up on your sleep." He nodded towards the cup of coffee he'd just set down to prove his point.

"Well, I only have one set of hands and I've managed just fine so far." She was getting irritated. "I can take care of my kid, Harm."

"I know, Mac. I was just offering to help—"

"You don't need to do that." She insisted, more sharply this time.

"I know I don't need to." It was his turn to fight down his impatience. "But I care about you and about Jacob. Is there anything so wrong with that, that you need to bite my head off about it?"

Her phone rang before she could reply, and Harm took the opportunity to slip out of her office before they both lost their tempers. Stubborn woman. Ever since that kiss, he could feel her pushing him away.

--

_Later that Day_

She stepped into his office, making a point to close the hatch behind her.

"You remember Jenna?"

"Who?" He asked absently, still seemingly intent on his work. But she knew him better than that.

She made an impatient sound at his rudeness. "Jenna Harrison. The civilian lawyer we worked a case with last week."

"Oh right, her," He said noncommittally. "What about her?"

"You should ask her out."

Harm went still. He slowly lifted his head to look at her, thoroughly confused.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You should ask Jenna out. She's pretty. She's smart. She has a sense of humour ... well," She amended, knowing that was sort of a lie. Jenna looked like she permanently had a stick up her six. "Kind of. But she's single." She added to convince him.

He didn't look convinced. In fact he was looking at her like she'd just told him she was from the planet Zorgon. She pressed her point. "Okay, so she did seem a little uptight, but I'm sure it's nothing your charm couldn't fix."

"What on earth are you going on about." He cut in, making it sound like she was being silly and unreasonable.

She rolled her eyes and tried to maintain her temper. What did it mean, she wondered, that she'd mellowed down in so many ways after Jacob's birth and Mic's death, yet Harm still managed to push her buttons.

"You should ask Jenna out on a date." Mac said, her voice tight.

"Why the hell would I do that?"

"Because you have to get out!" She had not raised her voice. She had not.

"What?" He looked offended. "I have to get out?"

"Yes. Date. You are single. You've been back now for months. And you still haven't been out on a date."

"Why would I want to go out on a date!" He answered defensively.

"Because you do!" She replied, her voice most definitely raised. "You need to!"

"Why do I need to?" He wasn't quite yelling but it was close.

"Harm! You can't keep spending all your free time with Jacob! These are your prime years. You're supposed to date!"

"Mac! I can't believe this! Did I do something to give you reason to think I should spend less time with Jacob?!" He was really angry.

She stood up and jabbed a finger at him. "No, damnit!"

He stood up, facing her across the desk. "Then what the hell is the matter?"

She stared at him. Jerk. Why did he never just listen to her?

"You are infuriating!" It was the best she could come up with on such short notice. With that, she turned on her heel and jerked his door open as she left. It took a lot of effort to restrain herself from slamming it back shut.

--

Harm watched Mac leave, feeling both angry and confused.

What the hell was that? What did he do to deserve that? If anything, Jacob was crazy about him. He'd called him 'daddy'. Harm broke into an involuntary grin at the memory. That kid was amazing. Really smart for such a young age. And so full of love and life.

Harm frowned. Mac's behaviour was not what he expected, not that he knew what he'd expected. He wondered for a moment if she was being purposively obtuse about his real intent. Why the hell would he want to date when he had Mac and Jacob?

That thought gave him sudden pause. Did she really think she was protecting Jacob from getting too attached to a man who might someday have a family of his own? Harm scoffed at that. He couldn't even see his future without Mac and Jacob playing a leading role. He'd been dropping hints, for god's sake, about just that. Spending all his spare time with them, going on little family outings – hell, he'd never before knowingly set foot within a 50 mile radius of a petting zoo. He'd even tried to take Mac out without Jacob.

He wondered if she still wasn't over the trauma of Brumby's death. Maybe she was just afraid...

He made a decision.

Harm exited his office, and immediately headed to Mac's. He knocked on her doorjamb, finding her deep in a file, though by the look on her face he knew she hadn't been thinking about whatever it was she was supposed to be reading.

"Mac?"

She looked up at him warily.

"I think you're right." He said without preamble.

"About what?" Her wariness increased tenfold.

"I should date."

She let out a breath, actually looking relieved. Harm entered her office and took a seat on the chair across from her desk. He tried not to grin, but it was hard to keep a straight face.

"What are you doing Friday night?" He asked casually.

"What?" She frowned.

"Friday night. How about I take you out for dinner? A friend's been telling me I need to get out, start dating." He couldn't keep the grin off his face. "What do you say?"

"Harm." She warned, her tone brooking no room for argument. "That is not what I meant and you know it."

"Why not, Mac? I'm already crazy about you – I've been trying to get you alone for weeks now." He pointed out the obvious. She was the one who kept ignoring his overtures. "I love Jacob; he's a part of me."

She looked like she was about to either yell at him or run out of her office, so he tried to sweeten the deal, "I'm a decent cook, I can be considerate, I clean up after myself, and I'm really quite good in bed."

Her jaw dropped. She quickly shut it, and shook her head. He could see she was blushing though, and took satisfaction in that.

"I can't, Harm."

It felt like she'd dropped a truckful of rocks onto his chest. "Why not?"

"I'm not going to do that to Jake."

"Do what?"

"Bring men into his life like that; have him get attached when they might just leave."

"Mac..."

"No, Harm." Her tone was hard. She turned her attention to the file in front of her.

"Is it Jake you're worried about," He treaded carefully, "Or yourself?"

She was pointedly ignoring him, but his words had her gripping her pen more tightly, clenching her jaw.

"I would never," He stated emphatically, leaning forward to make his point. "I would never, ever do anything to hurt Jacob, and you know it."

She deflated. "I know," She whispered, still blankly staring at the file in front of her. "You're good for him."

"Why can't you believe I'd do the same for you?" He slid to the edge of his chair, leaning towards her, trying to see her face. "I can be good for you, too."

She was looking anywhere but at him.

"If it doesn't work out, Jake will lose you." Her voice was softened by insecurity, by worry.

"Neither of you will lose me, I promise you that." He also knew it would work out between them. She and Jake meant too much for it to be otherwise. And his heart never felt as full as it did when he was around her.

"Think about it, Mac." He offered, figuring if he gave her time to process, it might increase his chances of her agreeing.

She looked so uncertain.

"Think about it." He repeated, and stood up from his seat. "In the meantime, I'll be by your place at 1730 this evening."

"What?" Her head shot up in alarm. "What for?"

"It's Monday pasketti night for Jake, remember?" He grinned. "I'm making him his favourite." He threw her a wink over his shoulder as he headed back to his office, not giving her a chance to respond.

--

_That night_

Harm finished cleaning up the kitchen while Mac tucked Jacob into bed. He swallowed his anxiety, thinking of her behaviour over dinner. He could sense that she was building up the nerve to bite the bullet and tell him to go take a hike. He was sorely tempted to sneak out before she finished putting Jacob to sleep, just to avoid the impending conversation. Maybe he could take a page out of her book and just ignore her intentions.

"Harm."

He turned at the sound of her voice. She was standing in the doorway, looking like this was the last place she wanted to be, and this the last thing she wanted to do.

And now it was too late to just sneak out.

"How about some tea?" He asked quickly, to buy time. "I make a mean oolong." He tried to smile.

"I, um, I think we should talk." She persisted, still not sounding too sure of herself.

"Why don't you go have a seat," He busied himself with the kettle, picked it up then set it back down, not really paying attention. "I won't even be five minutes," He opened her cupboards, no longer able to even remember where she kept her mugs, "I'll just wait for the water to boil, steep the tea, and—"

"Harm." She put her hand on his forearm, her voice more insistent this time. He stilled, took a deep breath, bowed his head. He didn't want to hear this.

"Yeah." Another deep breath. Here it comes.

"Let's go sit," She tugged at his sleeve to lead him towards the den, and the gesture made his heart hurt. He watched her as she walked in front of him, telling himself that he would always be her friend, would be to Jacob whatever the kid wanted him to be. Wishing he could be to them both everything he wanted to be.

She sat down, and he took the seat beside her. She was clasping and unclasping her hands nervously in her lap. Interminable seconds later, she took a deep breath and looked him in the eye.

"You are my best friend, Harm."

And here it comes, he thought. I like you, but I don't 'like' like you. Thanks, but no thanks.

He couldn't sit here and listen to this.

"You're my best friend too, Sarah." He placed his hand on top of her fidgety ones.

Her eyes fell to their joined hands. She swallowed heavily. "Harm I can't—"

"Wait." He interrupted her abruptly. He really couldn't sit here and listen to this. He just couldn't do it. "Wait, don't say it. I don't know if I can sit here and watch you choose to be miserable. You mean too much to me, Jake means too much to me."

"Leave him out of this," She warned, her tone suddenly hard.

"I can make you happy," He ignored her comment, seeing it for the diversion it was. "If you just give me a chance." He tightened his hold on her hands. "Give yourself a chance."

He swore he could see her shrink right in front of him. "I can't, Harm. It just hurts too much. I don't know if I can."

"You need to let go, Mac." He said gently. "It's time. Mic wouldn't want you to miserable. Jacob doesn't want you to be miserable. I don't want you to be miserable."

She watched him through solemn eyes, sadness and uncertainty slowly weaving around her.

"You're not just doing this to give Jake a father, are you?"

He shook his head, picked up her hand and set it against his heart, tried to find the words to tell her. "No, Mac. I ... I'm not home unless I'm with you."

"Oh, Harm." He heard her sniff, and opened his eyes to find tears silently trailing down her cheeks. "I'm lost without you," She whispered.

"Mac." He breathed, wrapping his arms around her, holding her tightly. He didn't let himself hesitate, kissed her with everything he'd felt these past few months, everything he'd held back the years before that. She held him as tightly, kissed him just as fully, as completely.

He pulled back, rested his forehead against hers. "Sarah." He dipped in for another kiss, unable to put the emotions washing over him into words. He didn't think happiness or relief or elation or any word he could think that captured this moment. So he just stopped thinking in favour of living in this one moment, holding her close, breathing in her scent, tasting her warmth. The restlessness that had followed him most of his life slowly abated, all the noise muted—

"Mama!" Jacob's loud cry suddenly drifted into the room, and Harm couldn't stop his laughter. Well, almost all the noise was muted.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Don't own'em

--

**Home 4/4**

**--  
**

_Four months later_

"Are you all awake from your nap, Jake?"

Jacob stretched and yawned and blinked his eyes in his cot, looking all warm and soft with sleep.

"Mama?" He asked.

"Your mama's gone to say hi to your dad." Harm picked Jacob up, and set about changing him.

"Daddy!" Jacob said excitedly, pointing at Harm. "Ham!"

Harm sighed, and tried to smile. "I'm still working on that, buddy."

He unbuttoned the sleeper Jacob was wearing, and then started changing the boy's diaper, talking more to himself than to the boy. "Except your mama won't let me propose." He sighed again. "She says marriage and her aren't on very good terms."

"Ham pane." Jacob said, reaching towards Harm.

Harm grinned, shaking his head. "Alright, we'll save the serious talk for later. But we can only play plane after I've changed you, you smelly runt."

Jacob giggled. "Melly."

"That's right. You're all stinky." Harm scrunched up his face, which made Jacob laugh harder.

"Tinky!"

Done with changing his diaper, Harm picked up Jacob. "Let's get you fed, and then we can play plane."

"Pay pane!" Jacob clapped.

"That's right. And we can work on getting your mama to let you go on a real plane. Sarah is really looking forward to meet you, Jake."

--

_A little while later_

Harm played with Jacob, only half paying attention to the boy. His thoughts kept drifting as they had been these past few weeks, preoccupied with Mac and marriage.

He'd first broached the topic with her by saying he loved her and suggesting that they maybe get married. It hadn't been the most smooth or decisive delivery, but he just didn't know how she'd react. Turns out her reaction would be to saying that a piece of paper wouldn't prove anything.

So he'd countered that a piece of paper would make things official in the eyes of the law, an important step towards allowing him a legal claim to Jacob, should anything happen. And at hearing that, she'd completely flipped out on him. She'd gotten upset and sent him home.

That had been a terrible week, during which he'd felt hurt, insulted, angry and frustrated, and she'd avoided and ignored the topic. The tension had been unbearable, but he'd refused to sacrifice Sunday at the park and Monday pasketti night because she was being evasive and distant. Their behaviour had ultimately even made Jacob cranky and upset. So he'd finally backed off the marriage question – for the time being – and she'd just been acting odd ever since, keeping an emotional distance from him that was more like a physical barrier. At least she hadn't kept him from seeing Jacob, and the little guy was back to being his happy little self.

Part of Harm knew her history with marriage and almost-marriage, especially her experience with Mic's death, was the source of Mac's current attitude. He just didn't know what to do about it, how to approach the topic and talk about it without her freaking out on him.

The irony of this situation didn't escape Harm. It seemed Mac and he had reversed roles somewhere along the way, and he wanted to push while she kept pulling away. Maybe he just needed to put himself back in his old shoes, and take in the view before broaching the subject with Mac.

He heard the front door open, and prepared himself to not get upset when she walked into the den and acted distant and aloof

"Harm, hey." She smiled, but it wasn't that full, warm smile. There was a weary caution that had him biting the inside of his cheek in an attempt to retain his equanimity.

He gave her his best grin, even though she had just been away for two hours visiting Brumby at his grave. The thought of it made him feel insecure, even though that wasn't very reasonable. "Hey, Mac. How about some tea to warm you up?"

"That's alright," She said with a slight shake of her head, still not moving into the room. "It's not that cold out."

A heavy silence slowly seeped between them, as his head told him he was being an ass for pressuring her into something she couldn't bring herself to want, and his heart felt a little bit empty at not seeing the usual spark in her eyes that was there when she looked at him.

"Jake still asleep?" She asked, "It's so quiet."

That effectively brought Harm's pity party to an abrupt end. "What?" He stood up quickly, realizing the boy was nowhere in sight. "We were just playing..."

If Jake was quiet, it meant he was getting himself into a world of trouble, knowing he was doing something he wasn't allowed to do.

Mac frowned. "He's way to quiet," She said, verbalizing his thoughts. "I'll check the kitchen." She was already halfway there.

Harm searched the rest of the ground floor. "Jacob?" He called, knowing it was futile since Jake wouldn't answer if he didn't want to be found.

He saw the study door was open, and was immediately wary. That door was usually kept closed since Jacob wasn't allowed in there. It also meant it hadn't been baby proofed to the same extent as the rest of the house.

He cautiously pushed open the door and found Jacob sitting on the carpeted floor with his back to Harm, surrounded by sheets of paper and a scattering of open case files he'd taken apart.

"Jacob!" Harm said as sternly as he could manage. He'd be the first to admit he wasn't the greatest disciplinarian. Who could get upset at a kid that adorable? Not him, that was for sure.

"Jacob, you know you're not allowed in here." He said, crouching down to see just how much damage Jake had done to Mac's work.

Jake turned around then, guilt written over his entire body and face. He'd also used the markers Mac kept in her office to actually write all over his body and face. Harm stared at the boy, mouth gaping open. The kid's arms and legs and clothes and parts of his face were marked with bold strokes of blue and red, thin lines of green and black, splotchy dots of pink and brown.

If Mac hadn't wanted to marry him before, she sure as hell wasn't going to want to marry him now. Jake had transformed himself into a terrible Pollock imitation on his watch.

His senses kicking in, Harm quickly took the markers away from Jacob and tried to tell off the boy, but he just couldn't do it. He was too thoroughly endeared and enchanted by the look on Jake's face; he looked so guilty, and yet there was that ever-present glint of mischief and a carefree innocence in his eyes. Harm knew he shouldn't laugh as that would encourage Jacob, but this was just too funny. It was like a little Mac looking back at him, except for the carefree innocence. Mac had always had a weight, a sadness ebbing and flowing in the warm brown of her eyes.

"Harm, did you find—" Mac called from the doorway, but she stopped abruptly as she caught sight of Jacob.

To Harm's utter dismay, instead of scurrying into the room and telling him off while cleaning up Jacob, Mac deflated against the door jamb. She stared at Jacob, her shoulders dropping, her face etched with exhaustion, and then she walked out of the room.

Harm quickly scooped up Jake, took him to the kitchen and put him in his high chair with a bowl of Cheerios.

"Behave." He told Jacob.

"Ankyou," Jacob said happily, in full technicolor, and began stuffing Cheerios into his mouth.

Harm searched for Mac, and found her in the den, curled up on the couch. He tentatively crouched down in front of her.

"I'm sorry, Mac..."

"It's not your fault, Harm." Her voice was drowning in defeat, her forehead was resting on her knees; she wasn't looking at him. "Jacob doesn't need any help finding his way into trouble."

"No," He put his hand on her forearm. "I mean for ... for not understanding. We don't have to get, um," He hesitated to say the 'm' word, worried she'd get upset with him. "We don't have to do anything official..." He trailed off at her unresponsiveness.

"I didn't mean to walk out." She said suddenly, still not looking at him. "I just saw Jake there, all covered in ink, and..." She took a weary sigh. "I'm tired, Harm. It's so much work. I'm just so damn tired."

"I'll give him a bath, Mac." He soothed. "Don't worry about it. Just relax." He hadn't realized how emotionally draining her visit to Mic's grave must have been. She rarely went, and she hadn't given any reason for wanting to go this Saturday.

She shook her head against her knee, her voice muffled. "I mean tired of everything. I'm tired of feeling sad whenever I think of Mic, I'm tired of trying to fight how you make me feel, I'm tired of feeling guilty about how I don't want to fight what you make me feel. I'm tired of pretending I'm okay. I'm just tired." He heard her tears as she spoke.

"It's okay; don't cry, Sarah." He sat next to her on the couch, and wrapped his arms around her even though she didn't move, was still sitting curled in on herself with her forehead on her knees. "I hate to see you cry."

She sat still for a long moment, not making a noise beyond her soft breathing.

"Do you really think we should get married?" She asked unexpectedly, loosening slightly in his embrace.

"I do." He answered. "I want that for us, all three of us. But what matters is what you want."

"I don't know what to do. My heart wants one thing, but ..." She trailed off.

"You feel guilty." He filled in her silence.

She nodded, still not looking at him.

"Don't, Mac. Brumby wouldn't want that."

As soon as the words left his mouth, she started crying in earnest.

"How can I be so ready to marry you when I was so terrified of marrying Mic?" She choked out, shifting, uncurling so that her head was buried in his shoulder, her hands clutching fistfuls of his shirt. "What kind of a terrible person does that make me?"

He held her tighter. "Shh, Mac. It doesn't make you a terrible person. It doesn't." He felt tears well in his own eyes at her grief, so raw and naked in his arms.

"Mac, Sarah, you deserve this; you can let yourself be happy. It's not a betrayal to Mic. It's honouring his memory and your son, that you would let yourself and Jake accept this gift."

She was still crying, though perhaps a little bit less, so he continued.

"You told me Mic would do anything to see you happy, right?"

She nodded against his shoulder, and sniffed. "He would." She mumbled.

He held her, not saying anything, letting her think her obviously troubling thoughts through.

"I love you, Harm." She whispered after a length of silence, her breath warm against his neck.

He closed his eyes, nuzzled into her hair. "I love you too, Sarah."

She pulled slightly out of his embrace, the tip of her nose red from crying, her eyes watery. She studied him for a moment, and then kissed him, long and slow.

"I'm sorry for being difficult." She whispered, her forehead resting against his.

"It's alright. I know you can't help yourself," He teased, and it earned him a smile.

"I do want to marry you." She looked him in the eye. "I love you, Jacob loves you."

He let out a breath, light with relief. He grinned. "I love you, I love Jacob." He rubbed his nose against hers. "Marry me."

"Okay," She was smiling as well, though he could see the last vestiges of the wall she'd built after Mic's death still in place. "We will."

He chuckled, before turning serious, worried he may be pushing his luck. "When?"

"I don't know." She shook her head, uncertainty suddenly clouding her eyes. "I don't know," She repeated.

He nodded,

"That's okay." He answered, the certainty in his tone unmistakable. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm scared." She whispered, her eyes filling with tears. "I don't want to be..."

He pulled her into a tight hug. "I don't know what to do about that, Mac; that's your fight. Just know that I'm here for you, I'm with you."

--

_Seven months later_

"Daddy!" Jacob squealed. "Mama look pretty!" He turned, the cushion in his hands almost falling to the ground. He pointed to the end of the aisle, from where Mac would make her entrance son. "Look!"

Their friends and family, seated along the aisle, laughed in amused delight at Jacob's excitement.

Harm crouched down in front of his son. "She is beautiful, buddy," He answered, grinning at Jacob. "Want to stand next to daddy for the next part?"

Jacob nodded, and hopped at the same time, as though this might better convey his answer. "Okay!"

Harm held Jacob's tiny hand in his much larger one, and stood up at the front of the aisle. He noted that Jacob was standing surprisingly still, abnormally well-behaved given how excited he was.

But all such thoughts fled when he saw Mac appear, shimmering in her white wedding dress. His grin could not be tamed, and when his eyes met hers, the world faded away, nothing mattering beyond the woman who was making her way towards him in measured steps, and the little boy who was holding his hand.

He knew then that he'd never need for anything more.

--

End.


End file.
